Reviewed by Max Foizey.

Release Date: July 3, 2007
Directed By: Michael Bay
Starring: Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, Jon Voight
Rating: PG-13

The Transformers were a wildly successful Hasbro toy line sold through a cartoon in the 1980's. That cartoon featured a rich back-story, most of which is ignored for this feature film. I'm not really sure why.

My only guess is the screenwriters thought as long as they had GIANT ALIEN ROBOTS FIGHTING, they were home free. I know director/hack Michael Bay knew nothing about the characters before he took the gig.

These days I'm not a crazy fan of the Transformers but I WAS a crazy fan back in the early 80's. I had most of the toys (quite a feat - thanks Mom and Dad), subscribed to the excellent comic book version written by Simon Furman, and of course watched the cartoon obsessively.

To put it as simply as I can, this movie is not "Transformers." Yes, there are giant alien robots fighting each other, and at times that looks pretty cool, but that's about it. It has very little to do with the "Transformers" brand other than the fact it keeps telling you it's "Transformers."

Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson play soldiers in Qatar who come into contact with a Decepticon (read: EVIL GIANT ALIEN ROBOT) who promptly blows the sand to smithereens. The focus switches to the overrated Shia LaBeouf as Sam Witwicky, a kid buying his first car, which turns out to be the Autobot (read: GOOD GIANT ALIEN ROBOT) Bumblebee disguised as a Camaro.

Wait. A Camaro? Isn't Bumblebee so-named because he turns into a VW Bug??!?!?!??!?! Well, it seems GMC paid a whole lot of money to have only their vehicles represented in the film, so out you go, Farfegnugen.

Shia has never impressed me before, and his work here doesn't change that, not even the cringe-worthy scene involving his parents thinking they're walking in on him FEEDING HIS CAT. (I'm talking about the ol' touchy-selfy. I didn't realize this was "American Pie 4: Transform and Roll Out.") Megan Fox may be moderately attractive, but she has zero screen presence, or chemistry with LaBeouf.

Jolie's Daddy Voight plays a Defense Secretery that's far-too-hands-on with the action (I can't imagine Rummy doing half of the stuff Voight does here), and I don't even know what to say about Anthony Anderson's character, who may as well be in blackface. Or the moment when Bumblebee 'urinates' on a slumming John Turturro. It's just all so sad.

The troops in Qatar and Shia in disturbia storylines never really meet up or make a lot of sense, as the GIANT ALIEN ROBOTS take their never-ending fight from their home planet Cybertron to our lil ol' planet Earth.

This is "Transformers" in name only. It was distracting how much the GIANT ALIEN ROBOTS referred to themselves ("I'm Optimus Prime!" "I'm Megatron!" "Hey, Starscream!") almost as if the filmmakers really wanted us to accept these confusing computer generated characters as the real thing.

Some have called this "Bayformers," and that's quite appropriate. A juvenile, silly, throw-away version of a much beloved franchise. Thanks, Paramount, for not caring about the characters that captured my young imagination many years ago. I know it's just a silly cartoon, but when I was ten years old, it was downright Shakespeare to me. (Starscream's desire to overthrow Megatron was an entirely new concept to my younger self.)

Before you say I'm taking all of this too seriously and I should have just had fun at the movie, well listen, I wanted to have fun with it, but I can't get behind or recommend so-called 'mindless entertainment.'

The best action films, the true blockbusters, give us compelling storylines, good acting, smart scripts, and 'splosions that make you say WOW. This film lacks all of the above.

Don't call this movie "Transformers," call it Michael Bay's Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots" instead.

In addition to hosting 'Max on Movies' on Sunday nights at 7pm on 97.1 FM Talk, Max appears weekly on the Dave Glover Show Fridays at 5pm. A member of the Saint Louis Gateway Film Critics Association, Max has written about film and theatre for various print and Web media, and appeared as guest critic on various nationally syndicated radio shows. Max lives in Missouri and is a diehard Miami Dolphins fan. The main reason Max currently drive a Volkswagen Bug is because of the Autobot Bumblebee! Camaro my ass! Max has also been told he's 'More Than Meets The Eye.'